Twisted Expectations

Jackie's House 3 newly orphaned babies

Well as you may know if you’re friends with me personally I just went on my first out of the country mission trip last week during thanksgiving. I’ve been out of the country before now but this was the first time I went with the sole purpose of doing “mission work”. It was also the first trip that I would go on where I would be specifically helping orphans the entire time. It was definitely a trip that God provided for. Back in January the college age girls class I lead started praying that God would show them something they could do that they would know God was behind them 100% and that’s how we ended up in the Dominican Republic for Thanksgiving. (The story is actually really amazing how God directed and provided, you can read more about it here: http://ourheartspassion.blogspot.com/2010/11/in-years-time.html) However, for me personally I had no clue how God was about to use this trip. I had expectations for sure. I knew my passion was orphans and I was excited about this opportunity. I was so glad that I could finally stop just reading and dreaming about helping, I could go help. However, I had no idea that God was going to use this trip to reveal a bigger purpose to me. 

One of my favorites

You see the trip didn’t turn out like I would have wanted it to. I was completely expecting to go over there and realize this is what I’m supposed to do. I thought maybe this was God’s way of leading me to start setting up my life and job so that I could have more time off to do short term missions, but it wasn’t. To make matters even more confusing I realized it wasn’t what I was supposed to do the 2nd day we were there. I was completely confused. I couldn’t even really process what this meant. While we were visiting a handicapped orphanage, Jackie’s House, and an all girls orphanage I was contemplating. The girls would get back in the van afterwards and feel heartbroken and accomplished at the same time, little did they know I was sitting there questioning and contemplating why I felt so numb. I had prepared myself! I had read every verse in the bible that mentioned the orphaned and fatherless, I had read books about orphans, and I had prayed so hard for this trip. Why did I feel so empty and numb? It was something I couldn’t figure out the entire trip, in fact I wasn’t able to process it until about 2 days after we got back. Don’t get me wrong the trip was great and I would do it again in a heartbeat but something was missing.

Sunday and Monday (our first two days back) were so hard for me, but not in the same way it was for the other girls. When everyone was asking how the trip was the girls said they were fighting back tears because they didn’t know how to explain how much they missed the kids. I on the other hand was praying that no one would ask me how it went, I didn’t know what to say except “it wasn’t what I expected”. I spent so much of Monday in prayer pleading with God to explain. I feel now that He is beginning to open my eyes to the explanations which is why I wanted to write this blog. I am the type of person who loves helping others, but I love knowing that I made an impact on their lives. I don’t like feeling like I may have made things worse, and that’s exactly how I felt on this trip. I’ve learned enough about foster kids to understand some of the patterns of attachment, and I felt as if I worsened the attachment for these children. I was so numb because I felt so selfish. I felt like I went because it is what I’m commanded to do and it is what I’m passionate about. We visited these children and loved on them for a day and then left them, just like their moms, just like their dads, just like everyone else. I kept asking myself how that was helping them.

They all just wanted love

This is where God stepped in and started answering my questions. His answer was twofold. First He allowed me to realize that this trip was a necessary part of my future and spiritual journey. Had I not gone on this trip I wouldn’t have realized that it was not what I wanted to do. I may have spent countless time and hours praying for something that wasn’t His purpose for me. It also allowed me to realize that I do want to help orphans, however, I want to invest in them. I don’t want to leave them as so many have, instead I want to love them, care for them, and teach them how to love back and that takes dedicated time rather than sporadic trips. I realized that there are so many people that God has called some to shorter trips and I’m so thankful for that because it lifts the burden of me feeling like I need to do it anyway. I have to realize though that He has called me to something else. The second part of His answer came in an unexpected way. I was driving to work this morning and listening to Christmas music and heard the song Do You Hear What I Hear and something stood out to me that I hadn’t noticed before. In the chorus it talks about Jesus shivering in the cold and the wisemen bringing him silver and gold. This got me thinking about the Christmas story and how the wisemen brought Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh.

When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Matt. 2:10-11

However, I realized this morning that the bible never tells you what happened with those gifts. It’s not like the bible says the wisemen brought Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh and this helped fund his ministry and help him financially. It never mentions it again. This reminded me of a lesson God has been teaching me over the last 2 years. God doesn’t ask us to do things with the focus on the end result, He asks us to do it out of obedience. This has been a huge lesson for me. It has taught me not to look at the homeless man and wonder if the food I’m going to give him is going to help him go spend his money on drugs and alcohol, but rather look at him with the same sympathy that Christ would and give anyway not worrying of the results. This makes so much more sense when I think about the verse in Matthew where Christ says what you do to the least of these you do to me.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you? “The King will reply,‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matt 25:34-40

The wisemen brought Him gifts because He was the king, holy and worthy of all they could afford to give. If I truly think of the homeless man as “doing unto Christ” how can I not want to give of my time, money and resources? It hit me this morning that this was also true of my trip to the orphanages. I am called in the bible to care for the orphan, widow and sojourner. I realized on this trip that it wasn’t how I wanted to help the orphan long term but I also learned a lesson in obedience. I heard God’s call through His word and I did my best to listen and follow, now the end results are up to Him. This time around it was a much more heartbreaking obedience but none compared to the heartbreaking sacrifice He has given for me. 

I think I left a piece of my heart...