Twisted Expectations

Jackie's House 3 newly orphaned babies

Well as you may know if you’re friends with me personally I just went on my first out of the country mission trip last week during thanksgiving. I’ve been out of the country before now but this was the first time I went with the sole purpose of doing “mission work”. It was also the first trip that I would go on where I would be specifically helping orphans the entire time. It was definitely a trip that God provided for. Back in January the college age girls class I lead started praying that God would show them something they could do that they would know God was behind them 100% and that’s how we ended up in the Dominican Republic for Thanksgiving. (The story is actually really amazing how God directed and provided, you can read more about it here: http://ourheartspassion.blogspot.com/2010/11/in-years-time.html) However, for me personally I had no clue how God was about to use this trip. I had expectations for sure. I knew my passion was orphans and I was excited about this opportunity. I was so glad that I could finally stop just reading and dreaming about helping, I could go help. However, I had no idea that God was going to use this trip to reveal a bigger purpose to me. 

One of my favorites

You see the trip didn’t turn out like I would have wanted it to. I was completely expecting to go over there and realize this is what I’m supposed to do. I thought maybe this was God’s way of leading me to start setting up my life and job so that I could have more time off to do short term missions, but it wasn’t. To make matters even more confusing I realized it wasn’t what I was supposed to do the 2nd day we were there. I was completely confused. I couldn’t even really process what this meant. While we were visiting a handicapped orphanage, Jackie’s House, and an all girls orphanage I was contemplating. The girls would get back in the van afterwards and feel heartbroken and accomplished at the same time, little did they know I was sitting there questioning and contemplating why I felt so numb. I had prepared myself! I had read every verse in the bible that mentioned the orphaned and fatherless, I had read books about orphans, and I had prayed so hard for this trip. Why did I feel so empty and numb? It was something I couldn’t figure out the entire trip, in fact I wasn’t able to process it until about 2 days after we got back. Don’t get me wrong the trip was great and I would do it again in a heartbeat but something was missing.

Sunday and Monday (our first two days back) were so hard for me, but not in the same way it was for the other girls. When everyone was asking how the trip was the girls said they were fighting back tears because they didn’t know how to explain how much they missed the kids. I on the other hand was praying that no one would ask me how it went, I didn’t know what to say except “it wasn’t what I expected”. I spent so much of Monday in prayer pleading with God to explain. I feel now that He is beginning to open my eyes to the explanations which is why I wanted to write this blog. I am the type of person who loves helping others, but I love knowing that I made an impact on their lives. I don’t like feeling like I may have made things worse, and that’s exactly how I felt on this trip. I’ve learned enough about foster kids to understand some of the patterns of attachment, and I felt as if I worsened the attachment for these children. I was so numb because I felt so selfish. I felt like I went because it is what I’m commanded to do and it is what I’m passionate about. We visited these children and loved on them for a day and then left them, just like their moms, just like their dads, just like everyone else. I kept asking myself how that was helping them.

They all just wanted love

This is where God stepped in and started answering my questions. His answer was twofold. First He allowed me to realize that this trip was a necessary part of my future and spiritual journey. Had I not gone on this trip I wouldn’t have realized that it was not what I wanted to do. I may have spent countless time and hours praying for something that wasn’t His purpose for me. It also allowed me to realize that I do want to help orphans, however, I want to invest in them. I don’t want to leave them as so many have, instead I want to love them, care for them, and teach them how to love back and that takes dedicated time rather than sporadic trips. I realized that there are so many people that God has called some to shorter trips and I’m so thankful for that because it lifts the burden of me feeling like I need to do it anyway. I have to realize though that He has called me to something else. The second part of His answer came in an unexpected way. I was driving to work this morning and listening to Christmas music and heard the song Do You Hear What I Hear and something stood out to me that I hadn’t noticed before. In the chorus it talks about Jesus shivering in the cold and the wisemen bringing him silver and gold. This got me thinking about the Christmas story and how the wisemen brought Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh.

When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Matt. 2:10-11

However, I realized this morning that the bible never tells you what happened with those gifts. It’s not like the bible says the wisemen brought Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh and this helped fund his ministry and help him financially. It never mentions it again. This reminded me of a lesson God has been teaching me over the last 2 years. God doesn’t ask us to do things with the focus on the end result, He asks us to do it out of obedience. This has been a huge lesson for me. It has taught me not to look at the homeless man and wonder if the food I’m going to give him is going to help him go spend his money on drugs and alcohol, but rather look at him with the same sympathy that Christ would and give anyway not worrying of the results. This makes so much more sense when I think about the verse in Matthew where Christ says what you do to the least of these you do to me.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you? “The King will reply,‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matt 25:34-40

The wisemen brought Him gifts because He was the king, holy and worthy of all they could afford to give. If I truly think of the homeless man as “doing unto Christ” how can I not want to give of my time, money and resources? It hit me this morning that this was also true of my trip to the orphanages. I am called in the bible to care for the orphan, widow and sojourner. I realized on this trip that it wasn’t how I wanted to help the orphan long term but I also learned a lesson in obedience. I heard God’s call through His word and I did my best to listen and follow, now the end results are up to Him. This time around it was a much more heartbreaking obedience but none compared to the heartbreaking sacrifice He has given for me. 

I think I left a piece of my heart...

Why does no one love me?

I am definitely the kind of person you can define as “a dreamer”. I love thinking about the future and if I could do anything what I would do, but I also have to say I’m a dreamer by another definition. I am not one of those people who can’t remember what they dream about at night. I seem to wake up every day able to remember what I dreamed about the night before. I can tell when I’m getting sick by simply the fact that my dreams become outrageously scary (stuff that should only be seen in movies I won’t even watch myself). However this remembering my dreams isn’t always beneficial. There are times I remember dreams that cause me to be convicted for the next several weeks. This blog is about one of those dreams.

Last week I had a dream about orphans. Nothing surprising here as our dreams often have to do with things we talk about before going to sleep and I had been texting with a friend who was sharing a story of orphanages in India. However, my dream is one I can’t get out of my thoughts. In my dream Shale and I were taking care of three orphans; a little girl around the age of 10, a little boy about 6 and a little boy about 4. The dream seemed to last forever and went through several days in our “life” with these 3 kids. During the dream I remember thinking several times “this is so difficult; people were right when they warned me this would be hard”. I remember that I couldn’t get these three kids to sleep because they had behavior issues. I also remember that during the day portion of the dream I would have to wake up, wake these three kids up, and then we would go and spend all day in an orphanage helping take care of other kids. I remember several times in the dream thinking this was so exhausting. However, at each of those moments when I would think that, the youngest boy would look up to me and ask “Why does no one love me?” Over and over during the dream he would ask me this question and each time I couldn’t give him an answer. I remember at one point thinking I couldn’t do this work for orphans any more only to look down and see him look up and say “why does no one love me?” I couldn’t answer his question. I remember thinking I at least wanted to be able to say “well, I love you” but in the dream I could not bring myself to say that. This questioning and not being able to answer kept occurring over and over again until finally my alarm went off.

When I woke up I sat there for a couple of minutes until I started crying. I realized that this question was more real than I wanted to admit. Not only are there children all over the world (146 million to be exact) asking why no one loves them but there is also someone even more important asking this. When I first woke up I thought it was just a question that an orphan could ask and it broke my heart that there were so many kids around the world that could be asking that question. As the week went on and the question lingered in my head God showed me an even deeper question as to who I truly loved. I realized as I kept thinking about this question that it was also a question that Christ could ask of me. Over and over again throughout the old and new testament God impresses on us His love for the fatherless. Over and over He calls us to defend and love the orphan. Yet I often thought of these commands as simply a way of helping those who God loves. I didn’t truly understand that in loving these, I am loving Him. If I am not following verses such as James 1:27, Isaiah 1:17, or Jeremiah 5:28 am I following Him? This doesn’t mean that everyone who is a Christian is called to go out and adopt or run an orphanage. God could be calling someone to obey these verses through coming before Him and praying for children much like the ones in my dream. He may be calling someone to mentor a child in foster care. He could be calling someone to financially help out a family who has been called to adopt but can’t afford it. He may even be calling some to go on a short term missions trip to help those who are exhausted from constantly caring for so many by helping take the burden off them for a week. There are many ways in which God may lead each of us to help this people group He loves but one thing is for certain, He calls each of us to help in some way.

This past Sunday I was teaching my class of college age girls and we were talking about our sin and Christ’s payment for that sin. I shared with them how we often minimize what Christ did for us on the cross. We don’t really understand the pain He had to suffer when all sin of the entire world was heaped on Him at once. One girl in my class later explained it as “all hell literally breaking loose on one man, Christ”. He had to become such sin for us that even God had to look away. However, we often take that picture and minimize it as something that had to take place for our salvation. We separate the pain and suffering from the grace. We take the grace and say that we are saved and God loves us and we forget about the pain because if we truly looked at the pain Christ had to suffer in its entirety it would alter the course of our lives. We would no longer be able to take verses like James 1:27 that say true religion is caring for the orphan and widow and dismiss it to “someone else who God calls to that”. We would realize that in everything that He suffered for us, the LEAST we can do is live lives that dramatically follow the word of God. In our disobedience to follow everything His word says we basically minimize all that happened from the garden to the ascension. We take some verses in the Bible and make them “set in stone” and then we use others as if only a few of us are supposed to do them. It pains me that for years this was the life I lived. Of course I’ve looked back on times in my life when I have lied, gossiped, and had envy and bitterness; and felt repentance and brokenness over the things I’ve done. But have I ever looked at times in my life where I ignored the widow, overlooked the orphan or dismissed the hungry and felt the same conviction? I look at my own life and wonder if I really love Christ enough to follow every single thing His word says or if I just pick and choose the things I was taught to do more than others. In realizing that it becomes much easier to see how Christ could look up at me through the eyes of an orphan and say “why does no one love me?”